26 November 2008

doctor scott

dr. phil was on yesterday while i was doing some paperwork. i turned on the tv and left it on phil, so i should take responsibility.

i learned a great deal about language. the guests consisted of a calm father, a giant and easily agitated mother, and two giant and easily agitated daughters. the father was being accused of abuse. the guy looked frustrated and a little nervous, as if he were abused. the women were mean. i was intrigued.

i mention the size of the women (not their fault; they are diabetic), because he was accused of abusing them by saying they "grazed" and by suggesting healthier alternatives to potato chips and dip. how dare he.

"it isn't what he says, but how he says it!" each yelled. apparently issues of tone did not apply to them.

in a conversation with the michigan cowboy, he voiced similar complaints about the now negative connotations of the word "manipulate." using verbal skill to convince others is evil. probably abusive.

i suppose the changing and expanding definitions of words such as these (abuse, manipulate, and let me add "control") are natural consequences of a country in which the all-ideas-are-equal-except-the-old "philosophy" is king.

a person is fat. personal responsibility is frowned upon. it is merely a difference. one needn't make fun of it to be insensitive; the mere mention of an obvious condition is abuse.

please do not be swayed by my words. i wouldn't want to be controlling or manipulative.

18 November 2008


halloween 2008

fresh snow

a wolf spider frozen
next to the hose
i forgot to take inside

crazy cat walks slowly through the road
snow, licking the center line, daring
drivers. not cold enough yet to die

conditions for auto bailout

i will personally send my share of what the auto makers want, about 67 bucks, if they will look outside their detroit offices next time they design a car.

i never want another ice jam around the wipers, doors that suck every bit of snow off the roof onto the seat, wiper fluid that creates blue snow on the hood rather than hitting the windshield, floors that trap every bit of dirty slush under your feet, trunks that cannot be opened without creating snow drifts on your groceries, or wheel wells designed to hold enough ice to stop a person dead in their tracks.

and i want to buy a car pre-painted with salt stain so i don't have to think about cleaning it.

17 November 2008

uglycousin editorial meeting

this morning the editorial staff of uglycousin met and briskly decided the fate of the latest crop of rejects. that being too easy, we also created an entirely new art form.

at one point in my life i did a little reading about editing. i remember one bit of wisdom: a good editor is one who isn't afraid to edit. an editor isn't a compiler; an editor becomes part of the process. much i read indicates to me that the world is in need of good editors.

when we write we know what we want. an editor represents audience.

what have we done this time? the issue will be out soon. in the meantime, i'll just say this: if we made uglycousin the movie, each actor would be allowed only one line and would have to wear our clothes.

16 November 2008

to drinking

henry said he got his second wind so he came back to the minnow saturday evening. he took the previous week off to drink. bad life, happy hours. i sit next to him and we talk about drinking. he complains his brother is taking too long to get over his divorce. "hell, when i got divorced, i said kill the bitch and went out for a drink." bartender reggie teases henry by calling him his brother's name. henry flips us all off as he leaves, and i toast "to drinking."

10 November 2008

no beard

i call to report absences this morning and the secretary asks if i had fun saturday night. i wondered how she knew. she was talking about an event we had gone to at the beginning of the night. it hadn't occurred to me that for some saturday night consisted solely of that college-related event. the only thing remarkable about that event for me was that it created the odd costume n and i would carry throghout the night: it was a black and white party.

after a good minnow night on friday, i thought our saturday would be doomed. fortunately, going to a dry, black and white fund raiser, fueled our need to have real fun. so it was out of that before the door prizes were half done and to the minnow. i drank straight bourbon; n, appletinis. we drank as if the evening would be short and sweet.

third round came and then kyle bought us a round. a rare occassion that required us to stay. other rounds were bought, apparently by cooks and co-workers. next thing we knew it was one and we were in no condition to go home.

the next few hours were a strange dance, in all senses of the word. we ended up at a friend's house to listen to disco music. part of his basement is a disco club--full bar, dance floor, sound system, lights, ball, giant lounge area with 70s furniture, and a small stage behind the dance floor with all sorts of instruments. we entered and he chose a pair of platform shoes for each of us to wear from rows of them displayed on one of the walls. they fit. we were tall. music and strobes and microphones shoved in faces, uncharacteristic loud singing in the mic, constant dancing and movement. somehow, with no more alcohol we got drunker.

it is hard to tell where one will end up after a black and white party. yes, we had fun saturday.

06 November 2008


nothing makes me happier than walking into the office in the morning and seeing that the phone is not blinking--unless it is a good afternoon email. this afternoon when i checked to see what complaints and emergencies had accumulated since noon, i found none. just an email from dino.

good day. it led to much productivity. 19 pages of sat8 now done. i drew uglyangie on the last panel today so she would have something to find when looking for herself.

dino has interesting, blogable news about giant urinals nuns picked out, and an expression he has fallen in love with. when talking about a volleyball loss, a co-worker told him, "we shit our beds." in the future when i screw something up, i will say, "i guess i shit the bed on this one." knute rockne in the locker room: "don't shit the bed, boys."

we should make way for uglydino. he could post ass observations and post pornographic zippo lighters.

but the subject is beards. he said he watched the hell's kitchen vids and noticed i had a beard. "i didn't know you had a beard," he said. "i didn't know you had a cousin," i said. and out of laziness a mini-beard is starting to show itself on my face and starting to itch.

01 November 2008


lisa's pants

our table--eko and forrest, then my line

our whole scene: