please show us batman's butthole

a few weeks ago, i made up a rumor to spread about tarantino adding swears and violence to movie classics so they would appeal to a modern audience. i wish it weren't so close to true.

last night i watched a pg-13 comic, watchmen, made into an r movie with nothing added, only subtracted, from the overall effect. the longish sex scene was stupid. more hot costumed scenes would have been more provocative. the graphic violence made the violence somehow less real. but the most distracting part, that everyone is talking about is the giant blue penis. other than the ridiculous christian bale impression in the movie, nothing distracts more from the well crafted story that the blue whale floating around on the screen. no one will ever be able to watch the smurfs or the blue man group again in the same way.

i figure, given the size of dr. manhattan's penis on the giant screen, multiplied by cells per second, multiplied by the number of minutes this thing was on the screen, i witnessed more than 45 miles of blue penis last night. why didn't any of his friends tell him to put some clothes on? wouldn't you mention to a friend: hey, you're swinging that thing around my face, man. could you at least wrap it in aluminum foil?

if we must continue to draw attention to super heroes with lingering looks at their genitalia, let's be fair and original. we need big screen female parts, too--and not some covered up by a 70s game show host's hair either (i'm thinking bert convey, here, but most will do). real, shaved up american lady parts. wonder woman versus the gynecologist, maybe. an x-men movie in which storm talks to people while bottomless and constantly bending over for no apparent reason.

and by 2020, let's see movies in which all superheros spend a large portion of the movies crapping in public. close up. i for one, can't wait.