16 February 2009

the machines are calling

despite putting my name on every do-not-call list over and over again and despite being one of the least pleasant people to call, i continue to get sales calls. i get fewer and fewer human callers; perhaps they put me on thier list because of my various routines.

sometimes i ask a lot of questions, like: do i know you? i'm sorry if i've forgotten. could you tell me how i know you again? are you related to george?

sometimes i just yell "jerry?" over and over.

sometimes i pretend not to understand what they are talking about. why would i give money to the heart disease fund? i'm against heart disease.

sometimes i ask for something they don't have. that insurance plan doesn't sound appealing, but i could use some bread. i'll give you five bucks if you would bring some over.

and on and on (and of course there is the crazy swearing tirade).

but now it's a machine. over and over for several months i get the same call: "This is your last opportunity to lower the interest rates on your credit card. . ." I have hung up. I have dialed one to refuse the offer. Twice I have dialed two to speak to a representative (to get their name and number so I can report them). Both times I get put on hold for twenty minutes before the machine hangs up on me. What can it be? If they are selling something, what could they be selling by not saying who they are or what they offer, and have no one to talk to? I suspect terrorists. Please let me know if you have any information so I can forward to homeland security.


ugly wife said...

have deep look into it. i suspect he knows them.

Jef said...

I always enjoyed pretending to be a really stoned friend crashing on my couch, who stammered and mispoke a lot. I would offer to take a number and then pretend to be surprised by something I found in a drawer. It got more elaborate as time progressed.

rcrum said...

so ok fine...i will stop with the calls, especially the ones that make me sound like a computer. but if you had only bought insurance with a lower interest rate credit card i would have given you the loaf of bread for free....btw, george is my uncle and i heard you the first time you yelled my name...sincerely, jerry.

Elmo said...

We were out with some folks giving away smoke detectors one Saturday last fall. During our time in front of the local Walmart, one of our group got a call on his cell from one of those auto extended warranty companies. He kept that poor guy on the phone for 45 minutes trying to get an extended warranty for his '72 Camaro which was up on blocks in his back yard.

"Are batteries covered, because I don't have a battery for it."

"Does it run? Well, I don't know, it doesn't have a battery, remember I told you that a few minutes ago?"

"No, it doesn't move on its own. No, it's up on blocks. Do you cover towing? It'll move if I have it towed."

"Is glass covered? Yeah, the windshield is pretty cracked and it's hard to see through. No, it's not a hazard because the car doesn't have tires or wheels so I can't drive it right now."

You'd think the guy on the other end would have hung up after a few minutes of having a non-running car described to him, but he kept putting my acquaintance on hold, supposedly to talk to his supervisor.

In the end, they declined to sell the warranty on the Camaro - imagine that.

Ugly Scott said...

these are the best stories ever. now i can't wait to get another call.

JoJO a. said...


I used to work for a teleresearch company - the very famous Ipsos-Reid - (yes, yes, thank you very much, stop the applause).
We didn't sell anything and had to PRESS this fact, but got hung up on most of the time.

I remember once a guy picking up the phone, listened to me for 5 seconds than started reading an erotic story. Graphic descriptions and all...

The thing is: we're not allowed to hang up on someone unless they're cursing or they've hung up... 'tis was a long long 25 minutes.

I'm never going back.

Sass said...

I have no idea, but they call here all the time, too.

But I love how they make it sound sooo serious. "This is the last time we'll call regarding this important issue."

Really? 'Cause ya said that last Tuesday, too. ;)

Lubbert Das said...

You may appreciate this Scott: