08 February 2009

save money with scott and oprah

once again, while scanning through channels, i hit upon oprah giving money saving tips to rich people. it was the end of the segment, and oprah said something like "our experts were able to save this family more than 2000 dollars a month." most people i know are unable to find 2000 dollars a month.

oprah acts astonished as her experts uncover great money saving secrets like "bring your own lunch to work," "get a cheaper phone plan," and "do some of your own yard work rather than spend hundreds a month on your lawn crew." people i know make decisions about their "lawn crew" like who's turn is it to mow? or can i get another year out of this old mower?

a word of advice to those that can afford such things: stop listening to oprah. spend like crazy. your laziness and excesses are what we need to stimulate the economy.

a few money saving tips for the rest of us:

1) to save money on shoes, simply "try on" a pair at wal mart and continue to test drive them for a couple months. when you leave your old ones behind, it isn't really stealing. it's trade. wal mart is doing fine.

2) to save on groceries, become a popular dinner guest. visit people at meal times. turn down the first request to stay by saying "no, i don't want to impose"; then stay out of politeness. bonus points for bringing home leftovers.

3) to save on gasoline, coast as much as possible. on flat, well-paved, surfaces, shut off the car, pretend it won't start, and push it for a block or two. sometimes others will pitch in.

4) to save on home heating, turn your thermostat all the way down. get a refrigerator box from an appliance store, and remove enough insulation from the attic to cover the box. you will find that sitting inside of the box inside your home will be very comfortable all winter long.

next time, how to tan with generic cheetos and how to drain neighbors' hummingbird feeders to make a refreshing summertime drink.


JoJO a. said...

Oprah, bless her expensive heart, has forgotten how it is to not be rich. It's a tough life out there... a tough life. While she cries in front of millions about her recent weight gain, I wonder how the hell is a struggling student gonna find money for groceries. Ah! The irony!

...I still secretly wish to go to one of her shows... one of those where she gives out free cars. She has to do that one more time. Just once more.

ugly wife said...

oprah and her experts really have no idea how people truly live. what a joke.

bivalish said...

you should have your own talk show. forget oprah. what does she really DO anyways?

Elmo said...

I like the refrigerator box idea to save on heat. Do you have another idea on how to stay cool in the summer? That kind of idea would be real handy down here.

I can't wait for the hummingbird feeder tip! Lots of my neighbors have feeders so there are a lot of potential refreshing drinks there.

lu said...

ooohh, I"m going to try that home heating advice. That silly Oprah...she does butter a lot of bread, contributors and authors and such, but her big hair, now that is what I can't get past. That and why she can't get it through her substantially wide head that one can not eat well and stay thin. To stay thin after 40 one must take on a starvation diet for life. Hard cold fact.

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