teeth whitening

readers of my sad little comic, sat, know that i had a horrible experience with hair dye while trying to make myself younger looking for vacation last summer. in a 24 hour period i had my head scorched, feared losing my hair, and looked at various points like ronald mcdonald and sharon osborne.

now it is teeth whitening. we tried strips last month. getting the strips out of the wrapper proved to be too difficult to me. when i got them out and tried to stick them to my teeth, i succeeded about 30 percent of the time. i believe i whitened my tongue and nose much more than my teeth.

yesterday i was at the dollar store and saw boxes of tooth whitening for only seven bucks. no sticky strips and only five minutes for results. i bought two boxes. uglywife and i sat in bed trying to find the right combination of light and magnifying lenses to read the instructions.

step one: mix up some noxious pre-rinse (which we did in shot glasses), swish and rinse. not too bad. i hardly vomited at all. i did gag once, though, which made uglywife spit half of hers on my arm.

step two: put an even bead of the white stuff on each side of the little mouth piece, stick it in the mouth, bite down, and hold for at least five minutes. we did it. what followed could pry secrets out of enemy spies. apparently we put too much stuff on the mouth piece. big globs of it swam around my tongue and threatened to cut off my air supply. (i swallowed it, by the way, which the box says is not a good thing.)

the taste was overwhelming. imagine a chemical that could clean barnacles from ships. between gagging and laughing and crying, it was amazing that we managed to last the entire five minutes. every natural reflex had to be subdued to accomplish the task.

i'm not sure how it will do as a tooth whitener, but it would be an excellent diet plan. there is no way to put anything in your mouth for at least eight hours after a whitening. maybe some things aren't meant to be bought generic. i'm so cheap, though, i will continue the torture until the giant bottles are gone, or until it buries me. my corpse will be brilliantly white, but i'll be too toxic to put in the ground.